When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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