he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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