Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
