I wish my penis had an off switch
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
