community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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