I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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