rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
