I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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