Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
