Your face is a jimmy john
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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