I think scott just propositioned me for sex
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
