sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
