the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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