you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
All the doctor said was why
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
