not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
