Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
