Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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