I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
