there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
