I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
