I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
