Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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