I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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