Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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