Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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