Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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