I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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