Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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