Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
