if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
