Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
