So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
