I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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