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I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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