everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
