brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
