I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
