Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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