I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize