Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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