Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
