remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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