If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
