I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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