Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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