that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
