Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
