I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
