I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Randomize
