Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
