Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
