Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
