I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
