i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
