That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
