dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
