If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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