i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
