When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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